Assholes who are perfect for each other

Headcanon

foxievonfancypaws:

I’ve talked about this before, but I don’t think nations suffer wounds in the same way that humans do. It’s been canonically shown on several occasions that the nations themselves fight in their wars, and if their bodies took the same damages that mortal bodies do, most all of them would be walking around covered in scars at best, horribly disfigured at worst. (I know a lot of people like the idea that they’re all covered in scars, but if that’s the case then they’re all conveniently hidden from their faces and arms and any other skin we see in canon.) I made a post ages ago detailing how I interpret scars on nations, but briefly, I think scars are from things that would have killed them if they were human.

In short, I think that if the bodies of the nations took damage in the same way that human bodies do, the characters would look a LOT different.

((I wanted to post this as a better way of answering the asks about Mongolia’s eyes than IC as a drunk and sobbing Mongolia, haha))

Things are getting off topic here so let’s have some more fic!!! This is an angsty one to go with the themes of the night! Warning: dark themes ahead!!!!!!

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Ivan jumped as he heard Yao unlocking the door. He was afraid of how Yao would react when he came home, but he must know that his intentions were good. He quickly put the skillet in the sink and wiped his hands with a towel as he stood blocking the mess. “Yao, welcome home!” he said with a suspicious air of cheer.

Yao, however, was cranky from a long day of yelling at people, and he didn’t reciprocate Ivan’s kindness. Instead, he immediately took a sniff of the air and said, “What’s burning?”

“Oh, um…” Ivan said nervously, shifting to block the sink from the angle Yao was moving in. “W-well, you know how I was going to make you dinner?”

“Yes,” Yao seethed a bit, giving Ivan a glare. “I’m starving; I haven’t eaten in thirty minutes.”

“Well, what you asked for was actually completley out of my pitifully small cooking range, and I kind of…” he swallowed hard and made himself smile to soften the blow, “…burned it.”

Yao’s eyes shot daggers at Ivan. (Figurative daggers; the real ones would come later.) “You WHAT?” he snarled as he stalked toward the large but obnoxiously gentle (at least to Yao) man. “I’ve been waiting all day for that! I only ate seven times! Do you want me to starve to death?!”

“N-no, of course not!” Ivan tried to plead, but Yao cared very little for people who wanted him to be happy.

“You want me to die, don’t you?!” Yao screamed as he grabbed Ivan’s shirt collar and slammed him back into the sink. “After everything I’ve done for you, you can’t make a simple little twenty-seven step meal for me!” Fueled by his constant and ridiculous rage, Yao reached into the drawer beside them and pulled out a handful of knives (told you). He held them to Ivan’s throat. “Give me one good reason I shouldn’t just stab you!”

Ivan could not, as he was just blubbering like an oversized baby. One couldn’t blame him, though, because Yao was known to fly into violent fits at the drop of a hat. At least Yao gave him the courtesy of asking before he just ripped his soul out through his wounds. But since Ivan couldn’t give him an answer, he drove one of the knives into Ivan’s shoulder like a demonic cat. Ivan cried like a big wuss but it was nothing compared to having your eyes gouged. “You’re going to make me dinner, and you’re going to do it right!” Yao screeched as he threw another knife into the wall behind Ivan.

“Y-yes!” Ivan cried. “I-it’ll take me about an hour—”

“I NEED IT NOW!” Yao howled like an unholy beast.

So Ivan tried to make Yao’s ridiculously complex meal as fast as possible, but when he couldn’t manage it in ten minutes, Yao decided enough was enough.
 

“So it’s come to this,” Yao whispered as a single tear slid down his cheek. He stabbed himself in the chest with the one knife that wasn’t sticking out of Ivan’s own chest, collapsing in a pile of deadness on top of his also dead lover. They would be together in the afterlife 5ever. </3

I’m glad you asked! See, while MOST people, when they want a divorce from their spouse who always tried their hardest to make them happy and did everything they could for that person, they would get a lawyer! Not Yao, though! Yao is much happier simply AMBUSHING YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP AND SHOVING HIS THUMBS INTO YOUR EYE SOCKETS!!!! It wasn’t enough that his people were already storming the capital which was TOTALLY our capital and not his and I totally didn’t steal it, he had to add a personal touch!!! Now I have to wear ridiculous glasses which he is cruel enough to make fun of! Watch out, Ivan! Make sure you keep him happy! Ha ha ha ha! Just kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!